I'm digging this person I am becoming. I find myself scanning my person, behaviors, choices, how I handled a situation, and evaluate and compare to how I might have acted or handled a situation a year ago, let's just say I've matured a lot in the drama area. It is so wonderful to be aware of the changes, and be able to give myself some self-compassion for once and know I can because I deserve it. Like giving yourself a big hug, not be selfish and put my feet up on someone else's couch.
OH YEAH! Uhm, so if you don't know me, I have been a huge fan of the British Comedian Eddie Izzard since I was fifteen, and have memorized so many bits from his acts, he is someone I want to meet before I die, or at least be in the same room. Thanks to one of the best human beings on earth, Monster bought us tickets for my birthday to see in Detroit Opera House...
HOLY FUCKIN HELL BATMAN... check that off the bucket list. Like, I have to contain myself because everytime I think about it I start squealing and rattling my fists together and bounce up and down. Do not repeat that...ever.
Back on the motivational wagon. Here's the deal: lots is about to change for the better. I need money. Who doesn't. I'm working two jobs, staying healthy, working out, and am mentally balanced (well more so than before)... do you have any idea how much inspiration and persistance I have gained since cleaning out toxins? No jealousy, only inspiration to be the best person I can be. I have forgiven an ex-boyfriend who tried to shatter my heart, and now I have no good or bad feelings about that situation. I'm over it, and actually happy for him! And so glad I walked out of a relationship I knew was not meant to be. It was fun, but I'm over it. I also forgave one of my best friends for leaving too soon, the pain of his suicide has been a daily pain in my soul, and I now I know that he wouldn't want me to grieve him forever, he would want me to keep creating and loving life. So, it sounds weird or selfish to say "oh, I forgive you for killing yourself." Yeah, that sounds icky, that's not what I'm saying. Everyone he knew, and left, was heartbroken. Devastated. Life sucked. These last two years, I haven't been able to let him go, and I haven't really yet, but the pain is much less, and peace has filled most of the void that he tore within.
Fuck Yes. My journal is finally done with that thought cluttering up the pages and sticking to the past because I have freed myself from grudges, from feeling guitly, from beating myself up, from thinking I don't deserve credit for my good deeds, from thinking I will never be good enough or sane enough for someone to love me, from thinking I am not worthy of love from anyone including myself...
When we can face ourselves in the mirror for a minute, and smile, and speak positive thoughts about ourselves, a new power is unlocked that sometimes is stifled, maybe not even be discovered. I have finally grown into the concept of self-love and self-acceptance. All this time, I was looking for acceptance from friends, fans, in having applause for my actions. But I never knew about self-worth. I was so desperate for approval from outsiders and ignored my own self, and loving myself, giving myself a pat on the back. No wonder shit kept happening, there was a time I was attracted to the wrong guys and a lot of bad...traumatizing events happened that made me believe I was worth the abuse, no more. Now, three days before my birthday, I can go into the new chapter of my life with hope, love, compassion, inspiration, and passion for everything in what is involved living.
So, what we all should do once in a while: internal bath. Cleanse your soul with letting go of stupid shit we feel like we have to hold onto. Like, being mad at a sibling for sibling-related actions. Or your lover coming home late from work and stays up watching t.v. Just let it go. Keeping it feels better, or so we think, until we let it go.
Forgive. Embrace the positive vibes in people which you were initially attracted to in the first place. People will notice a change in you, it's like you will have more of a glow about you. Positivity shines through the spirit and radiates around us, our aura gets brighter, drawing other people to notice and inspire to feel so good like you are! I am no expert, it's just what I have been learning and taking in. Since, all of it is good shit, I wanted to share with you. Because there is hope, even at the tunnel that is dark for a fucking long ass time. It's there. Don't give up on yourself. Keep believing in yourself and your dreams. I'm gunna go all Disney on you because this shit actually works if you put your mind to it.