I've fallen victim to all these phrases the last week, or since I got back from being on tour. It is the point in the living situation where the pot, hidden on a stove in the back room, on the backburner -- is about to boil over and start a fire. In that kitchen that isn't mine, and neither is the shit storm coming at my face.
I get it. My birthday is coming up, I'm reaching an age that generally suburbian folk expect that age to be far come the nest, married with children, living out the next generation of suburbians.
It's not fair, because there are some of us who don't want that lifestyle. And even more unfair, the shit storm has hit us so hard, so many times, that one has to come back to a sanctuary to heal. Not forever, but to allow oneself to let time heal the wounds and help gain strength to move forward in life.
I'm not a freeloader, nor do I plan on staying here much longer, as tension rises and my lifestyle seems a joke to others, I need to figure out where I'm going in the next year or two.
I know what I want to do in life, it just seems worlds away, and I don't know how to get to where I want to be, or the chronological steps to get there.
My friend put on several film clips on last night. It made me feel nostalgic. I looked so innocent, so ambitious, and completely passionate in whatever film world I was in.
....I look so different. After this year, I see the effects of constant stressing and the many trips to the hospital, on top of surviving self-abuse of pounding booze and smoking cigarettes, on top of putting up with relationship abuse I was too insecure to handle.
Life feels very jaded. I feel jaded. Like, I'm fine with just, throwing the towel in and no one would notice. That scares the fuck out of me. I used to enjoy hunting for gigs, constantly working out and taking care of myself -- now it's like I've just said "well fuck it all" and get up everyday, for some.... for some reason. (I think that's called 'depression?)
And now, on top of that, my life is still very much oppressed given my living situation. I'm coming up on my last couple years in my twenties. It feels very weird, almost unfair.
The Fraud Police keep coming after me, and I always start believing in what they have to say.
"You can't live as an artist, you think you're all that? No one is paying you to do artsy-shit NOW so it's never going to change." "Get a real fucking job, you're so full of shit." "You can't get paid and be an adult, so you need to reevaluate your life." "What the fuck are you doing with yourself? Move on"
Guess what. Everything has increased its weight on my shoulders. I'm spiritually, mentally, physically exhausted to the point where I just can't seem to muster up any care for anything. Except my cats.
They wake me up at 7am. So, I have no choice.
After having an extremely intimate session of soul-opening gut-wrenching stories, hearing what was coming out of my mouth -- the details, situations that which have molded my current state of me, I am very aware that I need to cut myself some slack on the "moving forward" phrase. Because some people will never know or understand me, and it's better that way.
On the flip side, being jaded at a younger age does create a thicker shell and helps prevent unwanted situations that may seem fun at the time, until life throws a shit storm in along with it. As the sun rises and sets, so do we -- we go through phases in life, that ultimately bring us to several life-changing moments that define our identity and purpose for being here.
I'm searching for a tattoo artist and template. I have this dire urge this needs to be done today. And, sadly, I have to go give back the laptop that WAS MINE FOR A YEAR UNTIL IT GOT COMMANDEERED AND NOW MY ACCOUNT HAS BEEN ERASED. Siiiigh. I need to upgrade my life. This transitionally period is bogging me down, a lot. But, with patience and facing the right direction (i.e, follow my heart and instincts) I will get there.
Can't nobody take my pride, can't nobody hold me down. Oh no, I've got to keep a-movin.