Cant. Fucking. Sleep.
I can't seem to win on every level, isn't that life. . . very grateful to be out of the darkness that once was, but now my brain is very much on overdrive. My brain insists on insomnia, geared to be up.
Insomnia, this past week, all too familiar and that scares me.
When I haven't had a decent nights sleep in a week, it usually leads to vulnerability, which leads to doubt, which leads to depression, aaaaaaand back in the hole, deeper and sooo not fun. I've been a chronic insomniac for about six years now. A believer in natural medicine, but guys... nature can't touch my brain on this. I feel like I'm being judged by few, especially myself -- of course I don't want to be on drugs for sleep. The feeling you're in a crowd of people, and you're completely naked. And you don't know how to handle it.
In case you are lucky enough to fall asleep on your own, here's a similar notion how sleep looks to an insomniac -- it's like you have superpowers, and you have control over them. We don't have that power, that luxury. I envy you. Pulling solid 21 hour-long days can be productive, but the more sleep I'm losing, mentally -- I am aware that my thought process is becoming negative.
I should be happy for those around me that are happy -- fuck I am all the time! ..... and this morning, or evening... dawn... time...
I'm finding myself become sad instead.
My best friend is seeing someone -- why do I feel abandoned? pffft.
I am building finances and being an adult with money -- why do I feel so insecure?
Everything is really great, better than ever actually. So, a solid 7-8 hours too much to ask? Brains need a break too and mine refuses to stop reeling.
Hands are shaking. Seeing spots and movemets produced by an imaginary thing, tricks on my eyes.. Dimensions collide right in front of me.
But at least the ceiling's very pretty...
Feeling very worn thin, mentally stretching, to a breaking point and.... ugh.... I know all this so why can't I fuckin change it?
How do you fall asleep, what is your secret? Everyone's different. But, maybe if you have a method, out of all I've tried, I'd like some new ideas.
I'm in bed usually by midnight, I don't eat or drink anything several hours before...
Not rested at all. Not feeling or seeing a reason why I am up other than to sing stupid songs in my head and jabber on about my sleeping problems. I can't write lyrics, I can't focus on text to read a book, my brain feels like a helium balloon waiting to burst any day.
Maybe I need to cuddle.
Where is everyone in my life nowadays? I should focus on the positives about being awake and motivated for the day. I feel guilty for wanting coffee this early. People with 9-5 jobs aren't even up yet. Usually this is when I would attempt to smoke a bowl and relax, lulling me to sleep... but smoking is a luxury, a ritual I don't partake in a lot anymore and don't ask me why, it helps everything. Thank you, I guess you just helped me figure out one thing that helps sleep. Well done.
Taking the kids to the vet this morning, road trip shall be fun, it's been a while since they've traveled, and since I'm up, I don't see the point in rescheduling so off to Lansing we'll go.
Oh good, it's almost 7am. Normal people time. I can make coffee and try to keep my sanity a little longer.
Headshots! I got headshots done. Go to the home page and check out the slideshow containing new artwork done by my new brother and friend AEGriffin.com (check out his film website here and see his latest projects. Great guy to work with, we had fun downtown shooting in the street, cops and bros constantly buggin us during the shoot. And, I actually got to see my best friend again, it's been too long. But he's got a girlfriend now as well as producing movies, so pretty sure he no longer has time for me.
I hope I'm wrong.
Currently holding a conversation with Staley in "meow-meow" lingo. It's fun having a cat that talks back. (insert crazy cat lady joke)
Ok, well.... besides rehearsal kicking ass, and I'm back filming out of town, and headshots done and seeing Monster again, and having a loving family and relatively good job.... wait, no not besides, it's I'm so damn grateful FOR rehearsal kickng ass, etc. I couldn't be happier. Well, I could express my happiness with more sleep damnit.
Why is the world so intense, and so far away?