The rest is generic, relatable, "I" for you to go 'oooohhh... "Iiiii".... like, me.... huh....ok...(reading on)."
So, fuck it.
The concept of aging and mortality is crawling up my backside, slowly breathing on my neck in a creepy, sobering way. I am a young earth age of 27... for the first time in my life, stress lines are forming. My hair is already thinning, my metabolism has come to a grueling halt consuming food and booze. The depressing part, is that I've never felt this old before, ever, and I shouldn't feel old. I am thinking about death, not that I want it, I am utterly terrified of the fact of dying. Of losing. Of letting go of everything I have ever known, not knowing what comes next. And to think how naive I was in my teenage years on top of my chimney, being melodramatic, wanting to jump -- but didn't. No, couldn't. I couldn't jump, I didn't know if I could come back. It is obvious that I know better and I can't press rewind, have bad choices be erased and re-recorded... so, with every night I spend down in a house that isn't mine, my mind races to all the opportunities I had to NOT be here, and why I DID NOT take those opportunities, and why I was too stupid and arrogant to grow up when I was young. But... I guess that's the point of being young -- you make mistakes now so you learn in the future. I could have moved to L.A when I was 18 and go to a prestigious performance academt -- I was too scared. I could have continued ballet and have an early career in a passion I can never have again.
We all have our 'coulda-shoulda-wouldas.' I'm feeling like all this time of learning is important for the long run, but what the fuck am I doing in the now to live? I'm saving up for a chance to live out my dreams in a dying city, with a growing love, when everyday we die a little more.
It's a moment where I look at my face in the mirror, and I ask where I went.
It's a night where I consumed less brandy than I would consume wine in a matter of five minutes. So no, not even close to having a drunken sloppy dramatic moment. No, this is life, smacking me in the head. I can't get the thought of one day I'm going to die, out of my head. And I really, really could use it, not being in my head.
We take risks, we want to live in the moment, we want to feel secure, safe, significant. We want the world to turn because we are here.
Are we really here? Are we such important beings in the universe that we can alter space and time infinitely? The cosmos continues to expand and contract, in dimensions most of us aren't even aware exist, and we think we own the fucking planet?Oh.... one in a billion...by the way...
Why are we made with minds so feeble and ignorant? What the fuck happened? We certainly can't blame it on anything except our own evolution into industrialism and de-evolution in committing to things that don't even fucking matter.
WHY THE FUCK DOES TELEVISION EXIST? WHY DO POLITICS EVEN MATTER? WHO GIVES A GOOD DAMN FUCK ABOUT SOME PERSON WEARING WHAT TYPE OF CLOTHING?
No wonder we never get any extraterrestrial visitors. We're too stupid. They know we're already on our own path of destruction in our own way, depleting the planet of it's natural resources and plunging ourselves into extinction. Oh, and we're not immortal, so we won't be here long. In fact, all the (hmmmmm) maaaaaybe 10,000 years that our species (humans) have existed, it's not even a blink of an eye of time in the space-time continuum. Sooo.... what the fuck are we doing to ourselves?
Take the red pill: keep on living life as if nothing but your day-job and bills matter. Live out your life in the most secure, normal way possible and forget about everything outside of your walls. Ignorance is bliss.
Take the blue pill: ponder your own existence and figure out why you are living. Realize your purpose for consuming precious air, why you get to live in a multi-billion dollar product called a 'body' and try to connect with the bigger picture.
Every thought of what would happen if you used more than maybe 10% of your brain?
Dream walking has been one of my reaching-out tools to delve into other dimensions. Problem is, I can't control when or where I am going.
I am pondering mortality because I am no longer familiar with the concept of dying, nor do I ever wish to be sucked down that hole again. It's a matter of, figuring out purpose.
Why do we have friends? Why do friends leave?
We have friends because we need them.
Friends leave because they no longer need you.
A concept that has been formally proved to me the last couple of weeks from a certain good friend, which stopped communicating when I made it known that I was in a relationship.
Funny how that happens....
they want your every ounce of attention for reasons they alone know, because once you can no longer offer to them something they want, they leave. Just like that.
Like, in the blink of an eye, you never mattered. You were never important. And you are no longer needed.
Why are human beings to cruel to those around them?
I either want to go to sleep or scream at the world. I can't decide.
I was made for something greater than this. I don't want to coup myself up in the basement. I don't want to waste money on food and booze.
This mind was meant to reach others, reach out, it is a time to seek out what I was made to do before it is too late.
Before the cards turn over, and the universe has decided to fold its hand on me.
Why am I still scared of letting go? The thought of my parents aging scares me. The fact I can see stress lines everywhere on my body, scares me. I'm no longer a hot 21 year old. I am a stressed out 27 year old. The older I get, the harder it will be for anyone to take my crazy ass seriously.
But... why do I care?
If you haven't figure it out yet, using the word "I" does not just mean ME, it means... like.... metaphorically speaking, me, including us, a royal we, if you will.
Do you want to be stuck in an office? In a cubicle? In a depressing relationship? In your parents basement?
If we don't have a balance of stability and impulsive freedom, we go nuts or we turn into a zombie.
Anyone like surprises? I love surprises. Don't remember when's the last time someone thought of surprising me. But, if you're out there, and you're feeling impulsive, surprise me.
Give us anti-aging potion so we stay forever young. Keep us trim and healthy. Please, don't let us grow old. I'm already saddened by the amount of fliexibility I've lost in a few years of drinking away.
So, we can either fear death, or look it in the face, and tell it to fuck off.
I guess I still have a lot of learning to do before I can stick my fingers in the air.
What about you?