Why am I here?
Of all the jobs in the social society entertainers got the short end of the stick to survive on a career. Most of us never get the honor of making a living solely off our dream jobs, or dreams actually. I get so confused when people compliment me on talent, looks, and previous roles; and I sincerely reply with a "thank you so much" but more is going on in my head, more along the lines of "SO HIRE ME PLEASE!!! PLEAAAASE!" Then they walk away and go about their business completely forgetting I existed. It's in a moment that the ego soars until the flashflood of reality comes pouring down. Thanks, but one cannot live off of a compliment. One can live off of a job that was sparked FROM the compliment leading into conversation, but it never seems to get that far. And if it does, the chance of exchanging cards and information gets lost into life, and the connection is never fully made into a reality of being hired or working with that person. It just doesn't happen around here.
Don't we deserve a chance here in the Midwest?
Why is it so fucking necessary to move to Hollywood and become another goldfish? AND why is it such an important move as an actress, when 99.5% of actresses living in Hollywood rarely get jobs above extras?
I have so much to offer, so much I want creativity I could burst spontaneously and cover the ground with Alicia-Stuff.
No one cares. No one seems to know me for me, the inner artist is shouting out for others to see what would happen. I believe in myself, why does no one else see it? It seems that all people see is a girl who "acts" and takes good photos. And likes to party. That is all true. However, is goes so much deeper than that. I'm crazy, but at least I accept it. Now it's time to explore and see if I can catch up with the other crazies in this world before it's too late.
Is there anyone out there?
Like most important soul-searching experiences, it is done alone. No one can tread in your shoes to find you for you. You have to walk it yourself, alone. You are going to trip and fall, alone. It's fucking lonely. The last couple of years have been the best and most chaotic of my life so far. Also has made me believe, I am no ones mate. Apparently I don't play well with others, and second chances are but a fairytale. Prince Charming runs away as fast as his horse can take him. I have hopes for the future that seem out of place and impossible to happen. Why? Well... I wish I knew. And so it was, this little girl artist walks towards a dream only to be shattered by the hammer of reality. Sometimes it weighs down so heavily it plasters a 'screen' on life. And reality seems to be outside of this dimension I get stuck in. It's like I am screened in by this cellophane box, everything around me is a little fuzzy, a little muted, but no emotional or psychological connection. I know I am here, and here is around me, but it's not the same dimension. It's a different world than what it was before then. Before the cage. And then I'm stuck completely unaware of the connections I should be making with others, which then make me look like I don't care, or I'm not paying attention. Oh I'm paying attention, and am hopelessly tangled up in this cage beating against my brain to punch through it and run back to feeling and Being in the moment.
I wish I was understood. I wish I could find someone who would see that chances are forgiveness and hope for the best. The world bred us to believe people are guilty until proven innocent. Always misunderstood because no one wants to go through the time to believe otherwise. If I can't figure out how to make my dreams come true, how the fuck could I imagine of the ability to be stable with a mate?
AAAAHHHHH! ..... I just scared the shit out of myself. I am unstable, that is one of the reasons why my dreams aren't coming true more and more, that is why I can't have a secure relationship. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUUUUUCK.
Acceptance of the moment. Forgive yourself for beating yourself up (yes this means you and me both)
QUESTION: What is an appropriate way to let the world know you are here? How do you let someone know you want it so bad? Social networking rears its ugly head full of stuff. We are bombarded with millions of photos of people, infinite amounts of unecessary information, it clouds over the truth of a person, who they are on the inside. Thanks a lot, Facebook. Thanks a bunch Instagram MySpace Twitter and whatever else kids today use. How do we know we matter in this world?
Shit just got deep and real. Not the most happy of posts, but hey. That's life. Welcome to Life.
Love, whoever I am.