So, at an ungodly hour, I awake to find my brain fixated on one thing: self-improvement. The world is not as cruel as I feel it is, however to each their own perception and it's a brutal one in my eyes (but it shouldn't be, life could be a hell of a lot worse) so who else to turn to but one's own self? Asking "why do you fear what is ahead, always looking around and behind?" "Who said you need weapons when you should be equipped with acceptance?" So, today is a soul-searching spelunking trip to figure out why the people and goals I desire to be surrounded with, are no longer in reach. It's not the world that is doing me wrong, instead I feel it is myself and how I have handled situations in the past that have molded me into "this". I have always casually stood by the phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and now I turn around and say "whatever kills me leaves a unhealing mark every time, and they're piling up fast." If hurt could leave a mark, we'd all be tattooed head to toe.
As a person with a vibrant inner artist to live with, the span of emotion and the depth of feeling it goes WAY too up and down to be handled lightly. Someone told me that it's a beautiful gift to feel so much with a strong heartbeat. Most of the time it feels like a curse, one that draws me away from having friends around and an ambitious spirit. But this is supposed to be normal.
So, why am I feeling so alone in this? Where are the others crazies who are hurting, and can we be friends?
How long does a time of transition take until the path can be gladly skipped upon?
Eager to succeed, but confused as fuck on how to get there, it's a wake-up call (literally) to sit down and think upon what I aspire for in life. Back when I first moved back home, a dear friend gave me a book by Julia Cameron called "The Artist Way" and it had helped me immensely, getting over the hardest hurtle to jump over yet. Well, I didn't jump over it. I cursed it, cowered away from it, poked it, slid up it, balanced on the top, and slid down. But, I got over. On to the next, which seems to be right in my face and I needed a dream to wake me up to face it. Not able to give all the details as we all need to guard ourselves and withhold SOME privacy... but you get the point. Life has pushed the pause button -- and I need to make it play, and play something goooood. And hey, some people can't realize this step in their own lives, so very grateful to be aware of my own self. I just wish I had more people to be aware of in my everyday life. Would I want to be friends with me right now? ...I honestly don't think so. Maybe to wonder at from a distance and casual chit-chat. But a real long-term friend? Could I be that good of a person to deserve friends? I hope so. I really hope with this hurtle, I will stop being afraid and stop pushing others away. No longer captain of my own ship, and there's no one at the hull. I'm locked in my cabin afraid to deal with the storm.
I talk too much in metaphor. Deal with it. It's a part of the artist.
Today seems like a good day to take a walk, break out the watercolor pencils, write a song... it's a step in the right direction. Even if it's not making a feature film, it is art that is being created. And Art is art. Except for Lady Gaga's puking performance at SXSW. Ick. And what the fuck. Anyway.
On a lighter note, I am grateful to announce that I survived training at my new second job, and hoping for the best to grow in such a pristine company in the Greater G.R area. More jobs = more money = more dreams to invest in = more shit happening.
Now to find a balance in healing, growing, investing in people... like plants really. If you focus where you water, only one flower will bloom. Spread the water out in the garden, and many blooms will flourish in your garden. <3