Happy March! Hopefully it will stop snowing this month. Cuz this, this needs to go. And, at the same time, with everything happening in my world right now, I'm glad it's dreary and cold out. It would suck even more if it were summer.
Soooo, what's going on.... what's going on.... so, Monster was in the hospital again, gained 17 pounds of fluid in his body. Our house is too damn cold and dry, which is only making his condition worse (it's a very delicate balance of the right amount of fluid intake/outtake and sodium levels, along with plenty of rest). His congestive heart failure, to say the least, has not improved. And I may have a part of his relapse. I've tried to stay positive these past few months, and I only went down a dark hole and stayed there. Up until the last couple weeks, I will admit I didn't know how to control my stress and stayed as an individual person. I became a one-way machine. I denied myself feelings and the right to feel pretty because I was so focused on him. So, I think I have found my solution to my inner culprit. Thanks to the stupid bloody weather, he is staying at his folk's house for a while. I will be joining him, but I am taking a couple days to get myself balanced out and healthy again. Cuz I'm pretty sure no sleep, producing black stool for a week along with stomach n chest pain, isn't very normal. And he doesn't need to focus on me. I need to focus on me. Not being selfish, it's really come down to this. I have to stop stressing and worrying, and trust he is going to be healthy. If I ignore my body and mind any longer I may do some serious damage. So, it's a quiet house. I am the ultimate cat lady on the couch.
And whilst on the couch, in case you missed it, the Michigan Film Incentive is going down the toilet. Yes, ladies and gents, they are pulling funding for the big budget movies like Suicide Squad, Justice League, and all the Batman-Superman films -- pulled. Bye bye work. Bye bye future boost of a career -- now everyone is going to L.A and Atlanta. Cuz that's where the money is. GOD FUCKING DAMNIT THIS DECISION WAS BASED ON POLITICIANS THINKING THIS IS A WASTE OF TIME WHEN WE HAVE SO MANY AMAZING HUMANS THAT WORK HARDER THAN MOST IN IMPOSSIBLE WEATHER CONDITIONS AND PEANUT WAGES BUT WE GET THESE MOVIES DONE WITH OUR HEARTS IN IT
Whew. This is very sad. For the last four years I've stayed in Michigan believing we could be the next Hollywood, that's what it was looking like. Such promise, and companies across the nation rave about Michigan -- everything from our versatile environments for scenic settings, to how cheap it is to film here, to how great talent is to work with -- we got it all people. And you can thank your politicians for throwing all those thousands of jobs, out of our pockets. But before you throw in the towel, take the time to sign the petition to save the Michigan Film Industry by clicking here and click "sign the petition". VOTE NO ON HOUSE BILL 4122 Contact your State Representative today.
You can then share the link anyway possible, but seriously, help save my job and my friends jobs... It's just so unfathomable to me, how people with so much power can be so heartless, and not look at the bigger picture. The facts are there, that the revenue Michigan will take in from the last several years of big films with Transformers, Batman-Superman, Touchback, End of the Tour (the list goes on) that tax dollars WILL roll in and then the politicians will see... but it will be too late. If you can think of anything else to do, do it.
Check out the Facebook page here for more information and see how people are responding.
It's fuckin cold in here. I'm in between feeling like shit and feeling really lonely and sorry for myself WHICH -- I'm not allowing myself to do. ...
In the meantime, I'm almost scared how much I can relate to Christina Ricci in "Prozac Nation" -- like someone crawled in my brain and typed out a script from an EKG machine.
I leave you with the words of Elizabeth Wurtzel, a passage from the book that seems to make too much sense. BUT I am not negative to rock bottom. But the accumulation of emotions and what it can do to a person over time is important to address to oneself. The last thing I want to do, is wake up one day, asking myself where time went, and why I don't remember how to smile.
Cuz I'm going to live a fuckin' awesome life once things and people are healed in my world
Some catastrophic situations invite clarity, explode in split seconds. You smash your hand through a window-pane and then there is blood and shattered glass stained with red all over the place; you fall out a window and break some bones and scrape some skin. Stitches and casts and bandages and antiseptic solve and salve the wounds. But depression is not a sudden disaster. It is more like a cancer: At first its tumourous mass is not even noticeable to the careful eye, and the one day — wham! — there is a huge, deadly seven-pound lump lodged in your brain or your stomach or your heart, and this thing that your own body has produced is actually trying to kill you. Depression is a lot like that: Slowly, over the years, the data will accumulate in your heart and in your mind, a computer program for total negativity will build in your system, making life feel more and more unbearable. But you won’t even notice it coming on, thinking that it is somehow normal, something about getting older, about turning eight or turning twelve or turning fifteen, and the one day you realize that your entire life is just awful, not worth living, a horror and a black dot on the white terrain of human existence. One morning you wake up afraid you are going to live.
That is all I want in life: for this pain to seem purposeful.