The moment I wish I was that kind of chick who has her entourage come over and coo and make her feel better with too much attention and cuddles.
I miss cuddles. Especially friend cuddles, when you can snuggle up to someone you trust knowing they won't try to violate you, and all they expect is a cuddle and sense of mutual understanding. My cats seem to do quite well, we're working on their English.
So, it sucks feeling shitty, when you're alone. I've never been fully alone alone when under the weather, I've always been by family or friends or boyfriends who were happy to help me -- now I just have myself. It's a good thing, how can I take care of others if I can't learn how to take care of myself, in a healthy manner?
This website... this stupid website that has yet to grant me a gig notice, just a fool's hope someone will notice how weird I am, and that I have a ton to offer to any creative projects if you give me a chance.
Creative drought time. Round 2. But I learned to keep myself somewhat busy, until I almost lost my lover 6 times and he's been in transplant care mode for the last couple months... Life has made its most dramatic scene yet in my script, I hope I can play this out right for a happy ending... and happy now.
I figured out my problem (one of them) -- there are some people who know how to be happy, because that's all they know, they have yet to experience an event more drastic than when they got stood up at the movies in middle school. There are some people who have gone through experiences and have completely gone cold turkey, and are gigantic cynics -- money and power dominate their lives and they seem successful due to their prominent outer facade. There are some in the middle, who have had support, encouragement, and love from their families, and have it ripped away. There are some who feel every little detail in an event, happy or sad -- they feel it; ten thousand times deeper than the average person. With all of that emotion, the deeper the lake is, the farther down the abyss, and the harder to get out of.
I feel everything. I felt afraid and aloof when Bryce was first hospitalized then home, because I knew something was wrong and I couldn't fix it. He saw me as distant and insane, like I refused to look beyond my own problems. On the contrary, I was so wrapped up in my fear of what will be happening to him that positive perception was no longer a lens I could look through.
I feel everything. I feel the summer breeze outside and how refreshing the sunlight is, shining through the window, and feel a great connection with this planet. That all the atoms and energy mass move together, that each breeze moves the curtains, which brushed my hair back, which makes Staley (my male cat) slowly blink his sleepy eyes in approval. We are all one, there is a lot of love to be had, and the human race is literally, ruining it.
We are ruining this planet. We are causing the 6th mass extinction, not a meteor this time. It's all on us.
As a wave of nausea washes over me...
I feel everything.
Missing my partner in crime -- looking through photos on Facebook, finding new and better ones to put up here, I come across our photos out and about to concerts, dates, resaurants, parties, being on stage, writing together, being Kraus and Victoria... everyday I hope and ask the Universe to heal him. Not for anyone else, but him. I want life to go on, and figure out how to cross the bridge to having a career in art, an actual career not just me parading around like I'm some hot shot, because I'm not young and entirely stupid anymore. I'm pretty sure I burnt some bridges. But hey, now that the film tax incentive here in Michigan, is now going away for good, we all have to stick together (and get the fuck outta here).
My boyfriend is getting a heart transplant.
My career of choice is no longer an option in the state I live in.
I can't pay my bills on the minimum wage retail job I have while I hope for another gig.
Something must change. I can't force it. It's gotta happen. And I gotta keep my eyes and ears open. For now, I'm trying, I keep trying to make things better for myself, him, the cats, even my co-workers.
Maybe I should take this time and do what I said I would -- focus on being a better person. A better Me. So when the gig comes, I'll be ready.