As my cat purrs in my lap and nibbles on my sleeve, I nibble on blueberries, reflecting how I was a week away from lasting a year in Detroit. Again.
Yep. I moved, back to Grand Rapids a few days ago, after taking a good chunk of time to reflect about where my life clearly was not going at the time, and what my options were for the best of my future. My present living situation was about to end, and I had to either re-sign the lease which I couldn't afford by myself nor knew anyone who needed a tiny bedroom to share rent....I was going to move in and help my ex since his parents will be off filming the next several months, so we would save money and not worry about bills. Clearly, that option was no more, so I took the option of moving back home, and just start over. And here's the fuck why....
Bryce and I parted ways, which was something inevitable yet, like a drug I didn't want to recover from, I held on, for some reason that felt like love. But, love is patient, kind, forgiving, graceful, and open. He is surviving on batteries, and has no room for a relationship other than the concept of his own survival (being totally serious, not bitter -- in a life-death situation, yes focus on yourself, stay alive for fuck's sake). I dropped EVERYTHING for eight months to take care of him. Aaaaaaand, I helped get him through the worse first part of the process, and my job is done. The Universe made the moment very synchronistic with what I was feeling might come: the deep breath before the plunge, but it summoned a hurricane out of the depths to hurl me onto some unknown shore somewhere...
Now it's completely up to him and his family, where he goes in life, and the kind of man he will become out of this.
What the fuck...this is my page, and I'm still talking about my ex.
I'm starting another Personal Renaissance. It's already begun with the opportunity to go through all my things while I unpack and get rid of the useless crap I keep (why do we keep so much stuff?? Life would be a lot easier without so much STUFF) along with disciplining myself to keep OUT of bed instead of in it. Remember, breakups, especially life-changing-traumatizing events experienced with a used-to-be-partner, is almost like you lose the part of yourself you put INTO that person. And when you break apart, that part of you goes with, and can sometimes never come back the same. Or yes, it can. Everyone is different. So, it's like rehab, where you're focused on creating a healthy balanced lifestyle. Not re-creating, because this time, I want things to stay healthy. No more bouncing back from drinking-television binges for weeks. No more sleepless nights worrying about someone else who may not have even cared a fraction for me how I cared for him. No more unhappy. Time for all happy.
Never done this before, but since it helps people stay motivated for challenging themselves and achieve things they may never have dreamed, I'm starting the Bucket List, and am keeping it on here, adding things. Hell, leave a comment and tell me all the cool shit you think I should do, or YOU want to do in this life.
It's not the greatest feeling -- starting over. On one hand, it can be exciting, fresh start, fresh perspective on life from lessons learned in the past. One the other hand, you know what you're starting over from, and fear the lessons aren't learned, and the transitional process will be wasted on fear of the future.
Yeah. That's how I think. All the time. It's exhausting.
So, being a Gemini, it's only natural to constantly flip-flop on how I'm feeling on this situation. I was packing to LEAVE Grand Rapids, same day, exactly one year ago. Aaaaaaand, now I'm back. It seems like everyone knew something would happen, but no one could have possible predicted such a string of events this past.
I moved to: be with the man I loved, to finally reap the seeds in the film industry with the tax incentive being extended I've planted for the past 5 years, and to start an original rock band that would turn heads towards Detroit. What happened instead: my man's heart failed and in the middle of the transplant process, breaks up with me, the film incentive is not only completely GONE but as of 2016 Michigan will be the only state in the U.S without a film office (oh my god, so sad but true), and since his surgery and breakup, the band is most likely kaputz with those guys. So, things were pretty clear that, I wasn't where I was supposed to be anymore. So, I got out as fast as I could to get back on my feet as smoothly as possible.
My brain feels really funny...
It feels like a bad trip, a dream which one wakes from unable to think about anything else, but just reflect on all the shit that happened.... and all the things I could have done over there and was too fucking busy worrying about someone else. It's probably for the best I didn't get too attached to any friends over there. I love you all, and it's my fault for not thinking of having a social life. And I can't wait to see you all perform again. Wherever we may be.
So, now I'm absolutely stuck on how I should feel -- besides incredibly stoned -- all I wanna do is just get high until it's all over -- but I don't know when that may be so I have to stay sober and figure out my life. Ideally, in order to discover and learn how to fix my life, I could snap my fingers and *poof* I'd be the perfect, highest form of myself. Of course, that's not how life works. And there's no fun in that. So, everyday, we're supposed to keep working for what, exactly? I read a really great article about how some people are back on Earth to evolve, not reincarnate. Not to relearn lessons, not to start over, but to aspire to their highest selves, which may take an experience or another experience on this planet to do so. And I gotta say, that made a lot of sense. So, while we're all thinking about our lives, go ahead a think about if it's just a time of transition, evolution, or if you feel just lost.
I don't know how to just think about the day, and the mundane tasks I have to complete. Not wired that way -- I'm a dreeeeaaaaamer And the world is currently about to make or break us. I hope everything will get a little more clear as each day is lived, and my feet will know which path to walk. Right now, it's the time to heal my heart and soul, and accept I came out stronger, more responsible, versatile artist, well-rounded person than when I left Grand Rapids last year. I hope progress will only increase tenfold, in every aspect of my life, as well as yours. Perfect timing as well, the full Moon is a-comin' :)
BUCKET LIST -- THINGS I WANT TO EXPERIENCE IN THIS LIFE ON ERRF
Experience the Northern Lights
Go on a Yoga retreat
Go to a Music Festival like DEMF, Electric Forest, and work my way up to Burning Man
Have an orgy, at least once, in the traditional cliché fruit-on-tables-on-people, drinking out of gold chalets, marking people in goat's blood and greek robes everywhere type fashion. Y'know?
Direct a short film, or feature, not caring how shitty it is or not making any money off of it
Release at least 2 albums
Travel, all the time, to anywhere
Find new ways of being Happy
Make a social media art piece out of broken televisions and stand on top of it as street art
Find the fairy nymphs hiding in the trees in Hollywood (i.e go live in Hollywood)
Walk the actual Red Carpet (I love all the effort put into the indie events, but I'm sure it's not quite the same)
Meet a lot of people, and get close to a few, forever
Stop worrying about the next day, about time (time is a man-made concept)
BE A SUCCESSFUL ARTIST -- live, breathe, BE a walking art piece
Sing on stage with Amanda Palmer -- and then cuddle in a closet telling each other our fears and secrets
Find people who think like I do -- universal, existential, multi-dimensional
Accept myself for who I am (still trying to find that out)
Publish an autobiography
Get published as a model in some weird European magazine
Become fluent in at least 3 languages
Attend a cult gathering (because I missed the unveiling of the Satanic statue downtown, that would have counted but I was working at a sex shop)
Compete in, something? I've never been a competitive person by nature, so maybe having that challenge would push me into other things
Anyway, to be continued....