So, right over here is a photo taken by a wonderful person who I had recently met. And like a lot of things in my life, an unexpected photo opportunity came up and of course, why would you say no to a fuckin' photoshoot when you're in costume? In summary, it was a very good moment to have. I shall be dressing up as Harley Quinn once again tonight and tomorrow because this outfit was made with love, and I'm quite happy wearing it. And if I run into you on the street, come hug me and I will draw something on you, or you on me.
This holiday has a lot of meaning as far as where my journey has taken me since last Halloween, and the person I've transformed into. Some mornings it feels like a dream waking up, and not to the life I had set out to live. My consciousness comes back, my eyes open, and the normal 'human' part of my brain is depressed, I am not in MY house with MY man going to go do some awesome commercial or sell something amazing to weird people. Accepting the fact that I'm going through a bit of a healing and re-birthing process, where the person I was a year ago, seems like the super villain and the person I am becoming has taken action and grown in strength as a good person -- not a superhero, not yet. *sips coffee*
People like to message me and thank me for being honest. When that happens, my brain gets mixed messages because although I am more than happy receiving good vibes and helping other express and feel something they need to relate to, and I can help... (artists, it's what we do) I also have a little red flag that pops up shrieking like an insecure teenager "WAIT WHAT IF YOU'RE TOO HONEST WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK -- THEY'LL KNOW YOU'RE REALLY CRAZY AND WILL THINK THINGS ABOUT YOU"
Haven't we been through enough to realize one thing about ourselves: we don't care about what other people think about us? And to YOU reading this: why do YOU care about what other people think about you? They're just going to keep thinking, and then you'll start thinking about what THEY'RE THINKING and ... that just leads to skating on the brink of insanity. Let's face it, teenage girls are insane. I was one of them. Still insane, just a high-level functioning insane woman.
Just nod your head and keep reading...
Ok, so back to transforming and dressing up and peeling our skin off. When you have to look at yourself in the mirror, you should be able to see who you are, and smile at yourself. Some people don't have a relationship with their SELF, a big part of the subconscious that is always there and you may not even know it because your ego (which is a lot smaller but harder to ignore) is ALWAYS driving your opinions and your actions. Your subconscious doesn't give a fuck about anyone else, it's there for YOU, to manifest all your energy and your identity into one awesome package. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I try so damn hard to see myself, because my inner self seems to have taken a vacation, but I did read a great line from the book of which I feel horrible for taking my sweet time reading... Ok, some food for thought, a paragraph from the book of which I am currently experiencing:
Often you call into lapses in which you actually pull in your consciousness, so to speak, and experience life in a lesser fashion. In such a state you do not seem to experience yourself directly, and indeed in the midst of what you think of as the waking state you act in the most mechanical of fashions, following habit and being less aware of sensual stimuli.... On such occassions your beliefs usually lose their edge, the directions you give to your body are not clear, and the world seems fuzzy. This is often a time of deep unconscoius activity, when new latent probable characteristics are biding their time, so to speak, waiting for emergence. ... These beliefs obviously have another reality beside the one with which you are familiar. They attract and bring into being certain events instead of others. Therefore, they determine the entry of experienced events from an endless variety of probable ones. You seem to be at the center of your world, because for you your world begins with that point of intersection where soul and physical consciousness meet.
--The Nature of Personal Reality, pg. 276
There is so much more to us than what makes us validated: we think our jobs, having money, having a house, a lot of partners, etc.. make us our worth in this life, which narrows the human experience down WAAAY TOO MUCH to ultimately the reason why you may feel inadequate sometimes. If you identify yourself with only the activities and things of the reality of this world, a part of you will never be discovered, the part of which truly, makes you, YOU. If you can look at yourself in the mirror and know that you truly are the only carbon copy of you and you're happy -- I applaud you. And I am so happy to hear because it gives us hope, for the ones still figuring it out. I know who I am more and more each day because I never want to go back to how I felt when I lost myself in my teenage years and a couple years ago when I was drowning in alcohol and an unhealthy relationship. Hell, if I hadn't been lost before, I would never be able to find myself. So, don't worry, no pity part here, events happen to you, for a reason, for YOU. And thinking it was a good or bad reason defeats the purpose of going through the experience in the first place.
So, as you get ready and put on your slutty little costume (you dirty whore) give yourself a smile, that you're taking action to have an experience tonight, and celebrating a moment where you're alive, and you get to share it with others. Through the mask is where the inner being can be found.
Everybody wears a mask everyday, they're just different.
Happy Halloween. I'm done. Time to take a shower and transform!!! Mwahahahaha
PS-- I have been cast in a lead role for a SAG short in Michigan, along with working on several cool photoshoots and a potential project with awesome musicians of which, I cannot open my mouth about. And I got my updated SAG-AFTRA member card woooooooot! Pay your dues, kids!