I remember being in so many projects at once my head spun while sleeping.
I remember surviving on laughter and applause. Not a care in the world.
I remember feeling connected to Art.
There's a problem.
That connection has somewhat disappeared.
Things started to turn the summer I moved to Detroit. It's been completely different since. Lots of great changes, lots of hard work and self-ass-kicking, but it was for the best. In a nutshell, I am currently growing into a great person and strong woman.
So why couldn't I have both the work time and play time? I had lots of play time but not the attitude to work hard. Now I'm a fuckin work horse pulling doubles and working more than 40 hours a week, aaaaaaaand no one to play with in my spare time. I can only think of myself to blame, as everyone needs friends. Friends and support are so easily taken advantage of when you have them nearby. It's kind of like a "don't know what you have until it's gone." I haven't been great at making new friends. Was hoping if I reached out to a few faces, could lead to a hangout. But yes. I am here, and in desperate need of human social life.
Like the time when going to three different places with new crowds a night...
Like the time when auditions were floating left and right in my inbox. And it wasn't just nice messages from my cats. People needed what I had to offer.
Today marks a day when friends get together and drink. Maybe other stuff, but mostly drinking. And I'm not sure when the last time I hung out with a female friend for a drink, not after a gig or for work or on set. Just, girl time.
I can't be that big of a bitch, I just might have turned into an anti-social confused young adult who is in transition of wants/goals/needs.
I was out after a gig a couple nights ago with the girls I worked with, and as we sat there, and they were talking about their own performer circle drama, I looked around and thought "so this is what normal people do... they go out with other people..."
As my dreams seem to float further and further away, so does my extroverted side. Where the hell has my motivation gone?
My sister rocked my world a little today calling me out on finding a suitable job. As I've been trying to find a job that will be flexible to a performer's schedule, she reminded me that Oh wait.... it's not paying me any money. It's not paying the bills. I have to let it go for a while.
My heart breaks. And I can't walk out on my dreams for independence. There isn't a lot of choices in my situation. This is just me trying to figure out the best move for me to take right now.
So, I'm just saying... the dreams may have to be put on pause for a while. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.
I'm not giving up. I have to make sacrifices to succeed in the future. So here's me, growing up, and walking forward. Praying that being an artist will forever be a part of me, even if I can't make it my work in reality.