I got news my best friend since we were 4 years old, have her first baby arrive today. Absolutely elated for her. I mean, this chick taught me how to party Podunk style, moonshine and overalls on a barn and everything. Because of her, I can hold more liquor that anyone expects. Anyway. Delighted to hear it was a smooth delivery, and everyone is safe, healthy, and happy. And her tattoo that matches mine didn't stretch too much. Ha.
So, pulled a double shift today, and got a message from my sister about a family crisis that had been expected for a month but came on way too soon. Our Godmother died today.
She has been fighting cancer for ten years, went into remission, then it came back tenfold. Her insides looked like it had been spray-painted with cancer. A few weeks ago, her doctor told her she no longer had a year to live, but only a month. My family has been preparing for it. Eight days ago, she went into hospice care, and was brought home, because there was nothing they could do to save her, surgery was more lethal at the time, and chemotherapy wouldn't help, only harm. So, today, she passed away in the peace and love of her home, with her immediate family with her. My parents, being best friends for more than thirty years, was there before she passed... It was too unexpected, and we all were preparing our hearts for this day to come. But, it came so fast. So sudden. And the weird thing is, we're all crying, and we have all accepted this day, because we were expecting it. But that thought did not numb the sadness, did not take away the pain.
This is a time when I wish my family drank, because they could partake in my vodka and we could all share stories.
This Godmother never missed a play of mine. Her daughter and my sister took horseback riding together for 10 years. My sister and I partied with them when our parents were out of town. They are our Godfamily. We were there for each other. More than I even know now, being the youngest. And it's painful to me, I can't imagine what everyone else is feeling yet they are somewhat stronger in the topic of death.It is sad. It is a painful loss. This woman had no bad bone in her body, a complete angel to everyone around her. So, she got her wings before my Mum did.
When one door closes, another opens...
So, absolutely elated for my Best Friend Cassie having a baby, and painfully mourning my Godmother all in a day. How the fuck should I feel?
How would you feel? It's just an honest question. Imagine me just looking at your face, no judgement, no opinion set, no nothing, just a simply question... How would you feel?
The intelligence of animals help, my furry children understand my energy, and know that something isn't normal in our world. They haven't left my side since I came home. Even after we've played, been fed, and coddled. They are stuck with me on their own choice. I love them for it.
Basically, I have been drinking a little bit of vodka, Pink Floyd is on repeat. and I am reflecting through the words that I just have to fuckin type to get his out. Because right now, I type faster than I write, and I think faster than I type. So I just have to type/write this out. Came home to a swirling whirlwind of emotions elated and mournful, and I'm stuck because I have both polar opposite sides tugging at my heart, and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel right now. And right now, my brain is [for some reason unbeknownst to me] is thinking about Jared.
If you don't know who Jared is... well, he is the angel who walks by my side everyday. When he walked this earth, I had the privilege of knowing and loving him for who he is... he had this to say about me among other poems, but always around me. No matter how hard I try to brush him off because it's too hard... he is My Angel an loving spirit to all those who knew him. In times of emotion, I feel him, he seems to cradle my heart when I am emotionally lost. A small insignificant piece of being that is acknowledged by this amazing spirit.
I hate it that he chose to go away. Why this is tying into tonight and today's loss, I don't think it is relevant to anyone but my own brain. Which of course, is dramatic, but ever feeling so much more than allowed.
I've never been good with death, or loss, or passing of a family member, a furry family member, or a close friend... death is outside of my perceptual bounds, I don't want to sound like I am in denial about the next phase of Being, but I have a fuckin hard time letting people go. Because I have too much hope? Because it's too hard to think I will never ever again know that being ever again? I have to be able to see the ones I love again, through some form or some inexplicably realm in which we pass through yet cannot understand until we are introduced to it. Am I religious? No. Am I Atheist? No. And I don't have to own to a category to prove my own theologies in spiritualism. So fuck off with those.
Today is a really bipolar day. I am so happy for my best friend, and so sad for my mom's best friend. When I came home from work 11 hours later, I stood in the door, facing my dog Skylar, looked him in the eyes and said "...well fuck... what am I supposed to do now?" No appetite but could eat a large pizza. No sleep but don't want to sleep.
I need to be numb.
I had a group hug with my parents for minutes and minutes tonight after they visited the family group.
What do I feel right now... How am I supposed to feel...
I feel selfish for even typing and expressing myself on this stupid thing called the internet, but typing is faster than writing.
I miss Jared. It will be two year since he took flight in May. My mom lost her best friend two days before April. There is too much to feel tonight. I guess I'm trying to type and numb the feelings with vodka. Because, and don't judge. But I have a tendancy to feel a fuck more than normal people do. And normal isn't a bad thing. It's a 'normal' thing.
Growing up is hard.
If I could be half the woman my Mum is, I would be a great woman for everyone I meet. Because she has handled this with grace, humility, and love.
We're all going to the visitation and funeral together.
God knows if I'll be able to sleep the next couple nights.
I wish I had a couch to sleep on for Monday.
Question: How do you deal with Life and Death in one day?