But I see, see through it all, see through, see you.
Im plugged in, and trying my best NOT to feel the thousand waves of emotion that has burst upon me the last 32 hours. A year ago today, the most heartbreaking, life-altering turn of events happened, which shifted my perception of the universe. ... Keep in mind, I've been through some fucked up experiences,
Steal your pain.
It's all I'm good for.
I must be an emotional vampire. Cuz I take care of my humans around me before myself?
I don't drain, so... well fine fuck that. I'm NOT an emotional vampire.
So.... tonight, a year ago,... disclaimer: no words in any language could ever be able to express the load of emotions, fears, doubts, life-changing questions that also question ones mortality while praying that another's life will survive.
And, he was worth it. Through every hair-tearing, bone-shredding fight -- the intensity of our love and the balls to challenge one another's opinion whether drunk or not -- was a thrill. Not just a thrill, but the kind of thrill you seek for knowing someone has the balls to challenge your opinion. God, I just wish we both were sober through those.
And I know he would say only I wasn't sober, but I think we both know better.
Narcassistic..... Drama Queen..... Picture perfect....
So, it was about this time, at 2:31am in the Royal Oak Beaumont Hospital where I was sitting with him in the Emergency room after the initial mutant freakout -- his heartbeat was going everywhere and doctors and interns left n right were coming over to see wtf was going on with him -- he was admitted, and I soon after was told to go home (since he was in care and needed to rest) PS-- It was ventritakacardia caused by cardio myopathy.. look it up. It fuckin sucked.
I came back to our lights,Our house wasn't insulated so it was a bit cold but our two kitties never complained.
(Blackbird singing in the dead of night... take these broken wings and learn to fly)
I would hang up my extra garments, throw my shoes onto the mudbox, and call to the fluffies for comfort. I would then take a steamy hot shower due to my weirdness against hospitals and theirbreeding grounds for diseases, so a nice, soothing, totally hospital-free shower. ,.. let's just say, it reminds me of some past visits to the hospital, so... yeah.
I had some fucked up shit happened, so yeah. me n' hospitals don't like each other. They only like me cuz like everyone else, they take our money.
So back to it:
Since it's a little hard to type out in paragraph form due to the fact that I'm on a lot of craft beer and am now attempting to puffpuffnotpass -- here's a free verse of a glimpse into my soul
The year is gone.
The strength of an army has formed behind the fear of a child
Unknown to her, the power within, she hides
Hides with all her strength as the warrior, to protect
The remains of a heart.
Why such a universally insignificant gesture
It's all she has.
Her dignity, her strength
Compassion, we wait for the next coming storm and when we wait
And we remember your faults, your failures, your casualties
As much as ours
Oh no, we never forget.
But, we are not human, thus can (and will) forgive.
Try for peace, not currency. Blink to observe the next moment to cherish.
And for fuck's sake, get off the fucking couch.
Breathe --- do you feel me praying for you, begging for your life?
Begging I will see you the next day, and the next?
And you saw me, and you still accepted me. And you tried to turn me aside
I wouldn't let that happen. Through the tears, the lack of oxygen, the incapability to stand on my own two feel, no I wouldn't fuckin let that heppend.
I stood by you til the end. I washed your open wound and traced the wire coming out of your abdomen to clean it, and do the best job I would wrapping it -- accepting this was my life. Cleaning your wounds, kissing your cracked-chest scars, loving every bit of you because of what you went through.
I was your guardian. I never asked for anything.
You couldn't give me anything, but a glimpse you believed in hope. You knew
And I still stood by.
I stood by after you kicked me out of your life the first, and second, and third time. I moved back to be with you.
It's ok. Call me whatever name you want. It's my fault I never truly opened up to you about what I've been through that has built a fuck-ton of walls, I'm basically an impenetrable fortress which -- you were the closest one to knock through and break me ... thanks for almost smashing my skull but breaking my mirror (twice) instead of hurting the cats for actually hitting me.
And, then after hours in the dusk of sleeping on the couch with two very much-needed consoled kittens, it was a discussion. And you cried, after hearing what you said. I cried when I listened to it -- I am also ashamed to how desperate I was to clean up my own broken mirror -- Iguess I didn't trust you.
And then.... here we are in the hospital not 24 hours later, andnot saying this was anyone's fault, it's a fucking virus.... and I'm sure all the cocaine that happened during your band career didn't help the booze but I always loved your intensity and in the moment vibe. We worked SO well together.
This was an incomplete post due to the fact that I just can't live any more memories. I drank this evening to escape, I wrote a shit-ton in my journal, and for some stupid reason, since it's the day and a year ago I was sitting in the E.R with the (I hoped) companion throwing up bubbles and not able to eat because I was completely useless other than being at his side for whatever he needed -- water, propped up, lean the bed at an upright angle, untie his shoelaces (we always forgot to take his shoes off til the 4th time we went)
Ok, enough. If you are honestly interested in how the last year of my life saving who I hoped to be my companion forever, than email me your questions and have respect to the circumstances of someone who I may no longer be with, but I still care for his recovery and deeply respect him and his journey. Thank you. <3 ADC