Yup, that's how we're starting today, because that's the chaotic wierd energy that surrounds this household of wierdos. It's been fun, but not very much fun, figuring out my identity, how I relate and can contribute to society, how to be a better version of 'me'... all the while, I've been missing a lot of catching up that could have happened while I was living in this house. I was hoping that when my brother and his family moved back into town that we could all hang out, go for a beer, him and I could actually talk about life and philosophize over some peanuts. I kept wondering why we keep saying we're going to connect, rebuild...
then I thought -- "wait.... maybe he just doesn't want to have a relationship with me." Turns out, very recently, I was right.
I've never had much experience in the family bonding department. Every family is different, and we may be family, but it's a distant, less expressive... selfish. Not my mom, my mom is the greatest, selfless, giving, amazing (I could go on but you get the point, she's an angel) I turned the thought process around on myself, thinking "well, maybe I am being selfish thinking he doesn't want a relationship with me. Maybe he is too busy to hang out...or call...or...text....ugh, damnit."
So, over-thinking this, as usual, I started tracing the source of this similar character gene to my father. Dun dun duuuuunnn. The "Dad of the Year" award would go to him if the television was his child because he spends most waking moments at home in front of it. All my life I haven't been into television because I have seen how it sucks a person in, and how life just slips by... How do you start a conversation with someone who won't even turn it off out of respect for the other person? Why would I want to just sit on the couch and watch tele when he only watches sports and politics? WHY CAN'T I HAVE A DAD? Clearly, I have some major daddy issues. So, talking with Mum, and she gave me some feedback. Granted, this is the only way I can know what's going on in my dad's mind because he tells her, not me. So, if I have a message for my dad, I have to get it through Mum first. It's just an unwritten rule, apparently... a role Mum has been shoved into, in between him and his children. SOOO I opened up how his new glorified role as an actively present grandfather has become hurtful to me... it sucks seeing your dad be so happy and playful with others when he doesn't even speak to you. But, he loves my brother's kids. It's a fact that I had to swallow instead of be sad about. Accepted. Move on. He won't, can't, whichever... he won't see how I feel because he isn't even bothering to look. He finds out through his messenger.
* He has never taken me or my sister out for anything...coffee, ice cream, a movie just the two of us... nope, not that type of dad
* He never hugs or kisses his kids, I guess it's not many or something...... ......
* Mum openly admits that when we were growing up, she felt like a single parent because he was never involved.
*He goes out to movies, golf, airport, activities by himself when he could have invited his family, of just one of us.
Can I come too?
I can feel some lyrics cooking up from this...
So, how does this man justify being a father-figure in our lives?
I found out that he feels like he has done his part in the Daddy Duty by attending sporting events, concerts, plays, graduation... y'know, all the stuff that parents usually want to go to -- a staple in the timeline of growing up.
But it's also the little moments that make up a loving family. Like, being able to be held by a father, a strong male figure that you know he loves you just the way you are, will support you, will never let you down or hurt you....
Nope. None of that. Well, he did hug me when my dog died.
I want to take his television set and break it Office style. I want to stand in front of him on the couch and introduce myself.
It's a lost cause. Triple sucks that I have accepted this, because I really don't want to give up my last tiny drop of hope for a relationship. The more time passes, the smaller the drop evaporates into nothing.
I feel really stupid complaining, because I am very much aware of how lucky it is to have a father, lots of kids don't... So, who am I to throw a fuckin pity party for wanting attention? Right? That's what you're thinking. If I thought it, you did too.
He has eight days to try something besides judgement and guilt to get us on some sort of footing. After, I won't be around.
Did I mention my folks still stand by the "no sex or living with someone before marriage" concept? Thanks religion.... I tried to globalize Mum's mind, have tried for years and it's just impossible... If Monster were to come for holidays, my father said until we're married, he would treat him as a guest.
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK
Yeah, cuz that's not going to be awkward at all, for anybody....I'm not putting my other half through that, he is more family to me than father is. So no, we'll go where we're both welcomed with love and acceptance. I mean, he accepts him, just won't act or treat him like he's a part of the family. But he is already lightyears away from our relationship that it wouldn't be anything new...
I can't type very well.... I have a kitty laying on my arms lol. I think he likes me. My arms are now a kitty hammock
Anywhoooooo.... this all started because I AM moving back to Detroit (Take 2) and doing things totally different. I'm not going to party my ass off and wonder why I feel miserable. I have been blessed with a lot of opportunities, and I want to work on making that a constant part of my life. I don't have to be waiting tables my whole life. I CAN be a full-time artist. I CAN make a lot of money and support myself. I CAN be whatever I put my mind to, and CAN do anything I put my heart into. And so can you.
Question.... sooooo, does any of this sound right, or familiar to you? The whole daddy issue thing? Do you have some issues too? I mean, don't we all, really? That's what makes families unique -- our ebb and flow with one another and how we address situations.
I feel like family are the people who surround you with love, acceptance, constand support, and faith in you. They are there, and want to be a part of your life. Family doesn't judge or look down upon a member that may be a little different.
Other than Mum, I am getting broadsided with judgement, self-righteousness, doubt, and disbelief that I can succeed. Everybody thinks I will go back and start doing drugs and drinking. They don't believe in me. So, what am I going to do?
I'll tell you... I'm gunna surround myself with positive people who do believe in me, and want to be around me, spending time and supporting one another through the good times and bad.
Go stuff it in your television dad. I'm moving away not to prove you wrong, but to prove myself RIGHT.