....... ........................ .................. cats................uhhhh... hmmmm
You know the feeling of being lost in yourself, and you know it... when the world is moving forward and you tend to stay completely still, thus no longer being in rhythm with feeling compatible with social life and well, life itself? THAT GNAWING INCHING IN YOUR BELLY SAYING YOU WERE MEANT FOR MORE THAN MEANDERING IN FOUR WALLS YET YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOURSELF?
Hello. It's me.
Well, not entirely. Was coming out just fine til about two weeks ago... Damn wisdom teeth sucked time away and I've been recovering from impacted surgery. Finally, coming out of an oxycodine haze(gross) and being able to think (and shower...grosssss) I felt the need to be somewhat productive. Because it really does suck being depressed, knowing you're depressed and still you don't think there's much use doing anything about it. Even more, when you finally HAVE TO SIT THE FUCK DOWN -- NOT because of depression -- and it's actually the last thing you want to do. So, typing and updating this site for you to waste time reading my brainwaves, seems productive to me. *pause, massage face*
But it's cool guys. It's cool.
Like a lot of PTSD peeps we all have to figure out our own way to manage how we deal with life and move in a better direction, which is usually forward. And even though this week was taken in a different direction with surgery in the long run, it's a good thing I took care of at least one side of my jaw. Some tingling sensations and depth perception playing around with me, but in time, this will pass. If not, I have a free visit back to my oral surgeon. Oh, anyone need an oral surgeon let me know, mine was really nice and they made sure I was comfortable and completely out. And thorough.
UPDATE: I joined a troupe. A *BURLESQUE* troupe. And they are amazing people with more background life experience and stories than most groups. Or, they're just more open about their lives. They seem to have embraced me as one of their own and have inspired me to step out of my shell and back onto the stage. I am a background singer, and over the upcoming months, I will be creating my own acts to mesh into the show. *ahem, anyone say grinder girl? How about DOUBLE grinder girls? Lounge singer?* This is a chance for me to work on recreating a character in a live theatre setting, where it is my responsibility to get my ass in gear, and costumes, and choreography, and singing, and acting, and keep up my health and positivity. So, here's a little picture of some of us on stage completing a successful sold out performance in Michigan. It's a nice size of a cast and a magnificent group of musicians accompanying. And tits. Lots of tits and ass. And laughs.
I am very grateful to have made the leap and showed up. These performers have inspired me for years, and to be a part of their troupe is, to me, an honor. Thanks Mr. Happypants! Mom and Dad sure are proud!
Photo courtesy of Tim Wheeler
Also, am collaborating with local artists in the G-Rap for a big metal musical called Malice in Hunderland, which, if you can guess... is a twisted parody of the classical tale that rhymes with the title. Original music by Hundo, and to get a tasty treat for your ears, go to HundoMusic.com to listen to a few tunes. It's pretty fuckin' awesome. That is all I can say for now.
<--- That's him. Courtesy of Hundo. You're Welcome.
Oh! Oh! Oh! I got PUBLISHED as a COVER MODEL thanks to Walt Lhodes and Sheeba Magazine for submitting and printing our works. We did several shoots in the fall, and I've been waiting anxiously to get the photos. I actually got them months ago and didn't update this so NOW YOU CAN SEE 'EM! To see more images, stay tuned. I have to do some Spring Cleaning on this here website and update eeeeeverything.
CUZ IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME.
I'm going to go get some Spring Break clothes tomorrow, along with shoes, and new suits, and maybe some new lingerie pieces... Hey, it's a good thing to update one's wardrobe every so often.
I haven't written any new music. Well, bits and pieces of lyrics, but haven't sat down and felt the words come out, or had any hunch to write. And it's nothing to force, in time, it will come back. When it's time. Also have a photo shoot coming up this week as well as catching up on my Pole Siren classes (yes, I am sticking with Pole Fitness, it has given me strength and newfound sense of sensuality that left me long ago) Missing the first class sucked this week, but if I wasn't so doped up and in pain, I would have been there with my sisters bringin' the booty and climbin' high.
AS WELL AS HOPEFULLY A MOVIE PROJECT COMING UP THIS SPRING? HELLO STEPHEN! HELLO BOB!
Anyway.... *massages face*
It is clear, Spring is finally here, and waking up certain parts within us that may have been hibernating during the Winter. Our goals and inhibitions seem to come out of the fog and may be more real than we imagined they could be. One of my fears, I fear... is not the fear of Failure, but the fear of Success... What if what I want actually comes true, and what the hell do I do after that? How do I get away with being this person, in this world? Is it... fair? Is it ok? Whenever I start to panic about my identity and fear who I am, I remember Amanda Palmer's wise words her book. And if you haven't read it yet, I highly recommend you do, it is called "The Art of Asking" inspired by a TED Talk she did a few years ago. Please, go get the book, it is a wonderful investment to your library and a good one to have on hand. And if you do not know who Amanda Fucking Palmer is, go to AmandaPalmer.net or just click on anything with Neil Gaimen since they are married! What a power couple, eh?
So, that's all for now, need to go take some tylenol and drink some more water, and stop staring at a computer screen. Oh NOW my cat wants to sit on my lap -- I've only been here for an hour, buddy...
Stay strong, listen to your gut. Go do a thing or two. Nobody on their deathbeds wish they were more practical. Keep hustlin'.
And if you have any tips on how to reignite your inspiration and how you deal with depression or ptsd, I would love to read them, please leave a comment or if you are more comfortable, please send me a message through my Contact link.
Much Love, and Happy Spring