Our brains are a very powerful and unusual tool. It can help you grow, tempt you, protect you from screwing up your life, or remember harmful events that happened. My brain, as long as I can remember, has blocked memories as a coping mechanism, self-defense from reality, that I may give myself a chance of moving forward instead of dwelling in the painful memory.
Love, is fucking painful. Losing it, seeing it shatter in front of you, and having to walk away from it.... *insert void*
But I never want to forget love, and what love can do to a person. Even in fairy tales, it is said love is the most powerful magic of all: it can drive someone crazy. It can make a person do unspeakable things. Not just the "in love" part, but a love for family, a dream, an obsession... I never want to want to forget, block out and burn how love felt with another person other than family. My family has shown they will never leave me whatever happens. And I never want to take that love for granted.
The purpose of writing this to you, is that of all the changes around me in my life right now, there is a huge feeling of space, inside and around me. There is a solution amidst the storm -- not to accept defeat, the world is not crashing down on you and you don't have to surrender. You can still succeed, if you believe. I know a lot of people like me, who feel like some things happen, and no matter what you do, things may never be the same again. This is when the spacial void comes, and you can either feel lost, alone, scared... or you can feel calm, static. Like the dramatic FX shot in the Matrix when time stands still, everything is frozen in time... As if all the particles that make up the matter around you, are waiting for you to act. And, it's ok to be still. To be in the moment, not doing anything. Because maybe, that's exactly what you need to do. Is just BE. It's hard to type this knowing that everyone is going through their own shit, and we're all different. Some cases are unfathomable. Some, maybe you're having a bad day. Either way, I think we can all relate, that life is moving by very fast, and sometimes we need to take the moment for ourselves, step back, and stop. I'll be honest, my current situation could be better, and it could be a fuck lot worse, and I am grateful it isn't. On top of everything, losing a family member is to be expected any day now, and my wonderful parents are emotionally rock solid -- but I can also tell it's not so solid within. And they are suffering for the expected loss. I want to help, and being the emotionally twisted daughter, may help if I'm just not around. My emotions tend to get me in trouble....
I read an article about those that have been told they are overly-sensitive, too emotional -- have been shunned, driven into small rooms and tied up for their heightened sense of emotion and intuition. Thank god there are more people now, and we're all slowly finding out that we're not alone, and we're not crazy. Those emotions that may not make sense at the moment, may not be yours to make sense of, rather embrace what you're feeling because it's coming from a source of which has tapped in to you. To have you be the messenger with your intuition and emotions, for the world, for the improvement of a situation or to help someone realize something. That something is not right and you are being a source for change. Accepting this is a lot to take in at first, but tends to make more sense than constantly going in circles in your head asking, pleading yourself 'What the FUCK is wrong with me, what did I say to hurt them? What did I do? Why am I so damn sensitive"
Trust me. You're not crazy. And you certainly are not alone. Just, don't kick yourself into the ground so deep you rip your sensitivity away, leaving yourself with regret and heartbreak.
You can break your own heart by denying you your creaturehood. The way you were made. No one should ever take that, or feel they can take away your identity. Neither should you feel you should change for others. You, are you. I remember being sooooo confident in the statement a few years ago, and now, feeling nothing but space... I realize I had no idea how precious that spirit, that overabundance of emotion, was such a gift. Through circumstances, I have shut the door on certain emotions that I thought had hurt myself and others, and threw away the key.
I'd give anything to find that key again. And I do, through moments with those who like hanging out with me, the smile I receive from my Mother when I tell her something.... it'll come back to me, because I want it more than anything. That passion, whether it fueled happiness or a storm, can be resurrected with hope and driven will for it.
Because if you want something, you can go get it. It's up to you if you truly want it, and what you'll be willing to do to get it back.
So, I have heart issues. Observing, it's emotionally and anxiety triggered. So, right now, the day of feeling nothing, is a blessing. I don't have to worry about the string that wrenches my heart with every beat. It got bad enough where I was scared I was having a heart attack. No dramatics, just scared shitless. Knowing that things can happen to anybody, at anytime... and prayed it would go away. It did. It's just, a dull, beating pain...
Probably should stop drinking. Probably should look for a regular job, and probably start working my ass off to get my life back. For today, I'm going to drink tea, look out the window at the cold cloudy day where this heart has no reason to be excited, or sad, or scared. Fluffy blankets, kitties, and taking a hard look in the mirror at myself, and try to smile. People can tell you anything, that you'll be fine, you'll get through the dark times. But, you have to believe that. Not just listen. BELIEVE YOU WILL GET THROUGH YOUR DARK TIME. YOUR NUMB TIME. IT WILL BE OK.
Sometimes, I feel like being normal 9-5 workhorse, would be so much easier to relate and live in this world. Be a baby breeder. A housewife at a man's beck and call. A workaholic.
Right now, I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I see my rare breed around, and Art tends to bring us together. We see each other, and we smile in acknowledgement. We talk about dimensions, and why others can't see the world as we see it. I'm in a spiritual and physical transition. My world is making space to begin anew, for the phoenix to be reborn. But it takes time to manifest. To grow. To heal.
But it rarely happens. The rare breed, is even rarer here in this town. And I do wish I find more, soon.
I caught a bug, but wanted to do something somewhat productive... like blog on the internet and take a crack at job hunting. At least it's not depressing. I'm just not feeling anything today.
And...That's ok. Here's the link if you need to just listen.