So... what do you do, when all that optimism and goal setting and planning, become completely insignificant and selfish because your world gets flipped upside down?
I almost lost Monster. Well, if we didn't bring him into the emergency room, he would have dropped dead within a few days around Christmas. He was kept for several days under the best care in the region and is now recovering beautifully. For not able to be himself, he is taking this process amazingly.
It is so hard watching him, imagining the fury contained within, the beast had to transform into a lotus flower. I fully stand by the fact that, I'm pretty sure no one could handle what he's going through, better than him. I would have gone nuts long ago.
Wait what am I talking about, that has been happening.
And it feels selfish, but when your mate gets compromised, you put your life down and go take care of them, because that's what you do, and no one can stop you. Love drives you to do and go wherever, doing whatever it takes to make everything better and have your mate with you. It drives you to forget about yourself. I'm realizing that I've pushed myself aside, rejecting and fighting my own feelings, thoughts, emotions, purging them in crying spells and breakdowns, the only way I know to get the fucking energies out without insulting or hurting anyone...
I don't know how to properly cope. Well, there's no right or wrong way of dealing, except hardcore drugs n alcohol -- I don't think that's very healthy but hey whatever floats your boat, I was in that boat once.
This is the first time of my life, that I'm not on meds for mental 'quirks'. My brain is naked, standing in front of everyday life issues and instead of learning at age 11 or 12, I'm learning at age 27, how to handle situations in a somewhat normal, healthy function.
So, when the love of my life goes from his high-octane 'life-is-a-party' rock musician monster -- to the complete opposite -- for his health and wellbeing -- yeah it rocked my mental brain not to mention our entire way of living. Things are quiet. We are learning more about each other, the reasons we react... so it's a recovery process for everyone.
I've got several people in my head, and they all want different things. The Adult wants to fix everything, make sure the house is tidy, bills are paid, looking after Monster, looking for work. The Artist wants to meditate, heal, take this time to discover and delve deeper into the inner artist. The Child wants to run back home and curl up in a huge bong and stay there in Food Network Land, while going out and partying with my friends (my social circle has disappeared).
Can I fix all of this? Would I be going against the tides of the Universe, am I supposed to stay quiet and heal, or am I being lazy, even though I'm looking for things? I just can't tell if I'm going the right direction, being quiet feels like I'm useless.
Anybody get extreeeeemely depressed when you don't have work? I know, textbook artist emotions 101, we ALL get down when we're not working. What do you do, to occupy the concept of feeling useful? Here's a thought since I'm here, to list the things I do when this feelings comes over. When I'm feeling useless, to assure myself of my artistry, I:
Practice yoga Write a song, or a few lyrics down
Play the ukulele Play with my kitties
Tidy up the house Draw with anything, on paper
Paint a wine bottle Find a new recipe I want to cook someday
Write in my journal Troll on the internet to look for jobs
Go through my photos, remind myself I'm a great artist
Meditate on positive things and images Bring out the old school tunes
Call a friend (I should do that more often) Bake!
A few things to do. You should make a list too, what you do or can do when you don't know what to do with yourself. It's so damn easy to get stuck in front of the tv. How can we face what's ahead when we're blocking ourselves in front of a digital shield. Not saying tv is evil. It's just, I wanna smash it sometimes. (My daddy loved the tv more than me growing up, blah blah blah... accepted and moved on with an ironic grudge against the machine)
So, I guess, during this therapeutic writing session, the conclusion is, that not everything is fixable, and there are things life throws at you, not as a curveball, but as a test of strength and character. Life throws shit as us we think we can't handle but we can if we allow ourselves to think we can. The power of positive thinking is unbeatable. It's getting into the concept of being positive, that life IS full of good things and good people... getting into that way of thinking all the time, is a huge game changer for me, and I'm still learning how to be positive on an hourly basis.
I've got a piece inside of me, very small, but very powerful. A tiny, forever brooding, bitter, cynical little Me that overrides 70% of any positive thought or action being positive. It's the piece of glass in your shoe you can't see that pokes you more and more, getting harder to see cuz it's already up in your foot...
I'm working on an album, and I hate the way my voice sounds. Lol, so we'll see how this goes. At least the instruments will sounds amazing.