We all do it. Either by drinking/eating/smoking too much, working too much, not eating enough...actions we take for granted because, well, the fridge is right around the corner. "Today sucks, so I deserve a cigarette". "I'm really depressed and shit sucks right now, so I'll be at the bottom of the bottle." We've all been there in one form or another.
There's other forms that are even more taboo -- drug abuse, emotional beatings, physical harm, sharp objects... things that people turn to when there just seems to be no other way to feel, to escape the feelings, to try and have a release of the pain within, that is just too embarrassing, and terrifying to share with anyone. I think its truly amazing when people post things about how much their life sucks and they need help before anything happens -- and people think it's only a cry for attention. It's as if their emotional cry for help wasn't hard enough to admit, people scoff and shrug them off like they're just another person looking for attention. You're not that person. Everyone's life, is a different path. Who are you to judge if they're feelings are real or not? Are you walking in their shoes?
What if they're not wanting attention, what if they're actually in search of that emotional life raft? What if you could be the one to save them from themselves?
It's gotta be a blessing, to never have gone down the road to self-destruction, I hope and pray you've never gone down the hole that deep. But I'm pretty sure you have, and haven't had the courage or acceptance from yourself to climb back out.
Since I moved back home, all the emotions, pain, and suffering I've bottled up from the last eight months are finally coming out, and it's not pretty. By taking the time to heal, there is the grieving process that cannot be ignored. And, I completely blocked it out. When I moved back, all I was thinking about was "Yeah, I'm gunna be ok, just pick up the pieces and move forward, because I'm stronger now, and Ima kick the past under the rug. BOOM."
Yeah....no.... that's not how it works, Me. But nice try.
Instead of feeling depressed and sulking, as have been the past emotional habits to cave into, I don't have the desire or channeled energy to dive into despair.
I got angry. Really, fucking, pissed off punch the wall and shave my head type angry.
Oh wait, that's a meltdown, isn't it...
But anger was there. I didn't punch the wall. I am ashamed of what I did, and don't feel comfortable spilling those details.
Old habits die hard.
After being in shock, and trying really hard to conceal my pain from my family so I don't hurt THEM, and pretend I'm a badass and I'm fine.... I started thinking about all the other people who have been in this spot with no one to talk to...... how blessed I am that I had a person to throw me a life raft.
And I really started thinking how I want to help.
I'm going through my own process of picking up the pieces, and allowing myself to cry when it happens. Feelings should never be shoved aside, they're a part of your identity. The good, the bad, the ugly, it's all inside and sometimes, just like when we're happy we could jump for joy -- we need to cry because we're in pain. When it happens, it happens, and we feel a little better.
I do not regret what I did, rather am very sad I did it. But this also led me to think about others. And how I could help.
I want to help you. I want to know that wherever I am, I am not alone in the struggle to accept oneself and finding the beauty in life again. Don't you want to know you're not alone? Because you're not.
I'm writing this for myself too -- because the next time I breakdown (not including the one I just had an hour ago for no triggered reason) I can hug myself and pretend its someone else. And me. So, before you pick up the needle, or the bottle, or the blade, please reach out, to someone, to me, even if we've never met. Shoot me a message, you can contact me anytime. Tell me anything you want, even if it's just to talk to someone. Cuz I'm there right now, and instead of hiding in my room, beating myself up for beating myself up, I'm opening up, offering to share my life raft with you.
Hugs. Ebb and flow. The circle of life. And life, can be a fickle, unfair whore. Maybe we can help getting through, stop the hate. Just hug.